While doing my morning reading I was moved with an inspiration– and I decided, this time, to act on it. For over three years I have been in possession of two books that were loaned to me by my friend, Kerry Flanagan. The books are A Separate Reality by Carlos Castaneda and Readings In The Philosophy Of Religion by Baruch A. Brody.
About three and a half years ago I had a massive falling out with my friends, relating to circumstances involving one of my closest, longest and most trusted friendships. I was utterly heartbroken over this personal loss. Although it was clear to me that there was a great imbalance in the situation, my friend(s) made no sincere effort to address or rectify matters, and my feelings on the matter were trivialized and dismissed. This sense of betrayal foreshadowed the change in our relationship.
Of course, the actuality of my reaction reflected none of the eloquence that may seem to be implied by the clarity of my previous statements. I was a raving asshole about it all. It was too personal. My friend had made thoughtless remarks and personal attacks, and had passed clear judgments on my most cherished ideals. Although I wanted to “love my neighbor” and to “turn the other cheek,” I found it impossible to exercise the sincerity or grace which my metaphysical studies require. Aware of the profound hypocrisy of my personal shortcomings, I became intolerant–especially to myself.
Mutual friendships were affected. Although I had kept the details of this sordid affair restricted to the involved parties, it wasn’t long before I noticed distinct changes among our mutual friends. People distanced themselves. I couldn’t fathom why friends, good people had previously stood by me through tough times, would start treating me so differently without ever asking me directly what was happening.
Being the power-brain that I am, I resolved to drown my sorrows, and nothing helps to spread collateral damage as well as alcohol abuse. The selfishness of my pain made easy targets of these mutual friends. My unwillingness to pursue these matters directly assured unilateral fallout. (To a large extent, I relied on the understanding that the truth is the truth, regardless of my saying it. Experience dictates that the truth always comes out in the end.)
The one friend who did stand by me throughout this ugliness was Mary. She became just as distanced as I from familiar relationships, and shared my sense of loss. She never played sides, curried favor, or manipulated in any way. She tolerated my endless review of the circumstances — those times when I questioned my own sanity for feeling so upset– and always returned kindness and compassion. I am eternally grateful.
Obviously, these issues are something that I continue to work with and learn from today. For the last three and a half years I have mourned this loss. While Mary and I have made drastic adjustments to our lifestyle during this time, I am still unable to declare that this situation has been healed, but only compensated for. More honestly, I find the very apex of this issue to be a nothing but a bunch of shit.
Forever a special memory, Kerry’s was one of the precious friendships affected in this falling out. For three and a half years I’ve been aware that I’ve had coincidental possession of her property, but I’ve retreated from the idea of returning her books directly to her for one “good” excuse or another. It wasn’t convenient, or it wasn’t important, or it wouldn’t make one damn bit of a difference anyway. For whatever reason, and for no good reason, I’ve allowed selfishness to take precedence over good conscience.
Coming across her books again today I guess I finally just had enough. So, I called Kerry at her work this morning and explained that I wanted to return her books, entirely at her convenience. Although I’d offered to mail them to her, she thanked me and suggested that I meet her at the OP tonight.
The evils which enslave me are so unimaginably unimportant in comparison to that good discerned in moments of clarity, and I am too often paralyzed by the magnitude of this contradiction. No matter the wrong of the day or the apparent evil contributing to the circumstance, I have encountered too many kind souls to ever remain satisfied with the ugly little picture of things.
It is my sincere desire to put all of “this” behind me. I have to try.
