Emptry Spaces

Work. Eat. Drink. Fuck. Sleep. Die.
Love-inspired bouts of insomnia have been severe as of late. The recent landmarks along the cathartic path have me looking for something more. Among these many signs and wonders, Renee Zellweger said something in a recent Inside The Actor’s Studio interview about learning that it’s easier to just stay in the moment than to have to retrace the path to that place, time and time again. My mind leaps: “,saves retracing and traversing anew the path from sin to holiness.”
Oh, yeah, I’ve been studying. During my visit to the reading room yesterday I engaged in a lively relation of the Bethesda incident (John 5:2) and my current dilemma, which culminated in my abrupt departure. The nuances of instruction/command are plain to me, so riddle me this: Why would one be instructed to take up their bed if they obviously wouldn’t need it anymore?
I know what this means. I can see the outline, but the demonstration has been escaping me. For years. That’s it. That’s the whole thing. I just haven’t tried. Too afraid it will get ugly, which it will.
This is the cornerstone of my cowardice. Of course, I prefer the word, “reason”. I’m scrambling, I’m falling all over myself, I’m kicking pricks and losing sleep, wondering why I’m not seeing more harmony in my life– all the while, casting pearls before swine. I’m far too in love with the sound of my own voice to ever listen.
So, how do I go about deconstruction? Honesty,and Truth?
OK, I’ve been back-peddling and dancing around so as not to offend. I want people to like me so badly, so I compromise and sell out. I stop listening or deny what I’m hearing. I’m motivated by fear, not love. Is it any wonder that it’s never enough; that I just end up feeling like shit?
Example: God’s child or no, Carl’s an asshole. (Of course, so am I. Duh. Get over it.) But it’s not really Carl I’m talking about here, is it? It’s not person. What’s left? It’s the very idea that there is no appreciation or compensation for good contribution; no value, and an absence of the higher principle. It’s cloaked in selfishness (on both sides), and evil as hell.
Now, in this pursuit of the absolute, I’m beginning to get that the “place” has no power